Watching out for the Undertoad

un·der·tow –noun
1.the seaward, subsurface flow or draft of water from waves breaking on a beach.
2.any strong current below the surface of a body of water, moving in a direction different from that of the surface current.

Though I never went in the ocean in Turkey or Tajikistan, I am beginning to think the entire trip I was swimming in one.

I had never been so far away from home by myself. It was exciting...exhilerating...even a little scary (is this cab driver really going to take me to my hotel or is he going to take me to his cousin's house and sell me off?) I had hoped that there would be an underlying kindred spirit with the others in the group. After all, not everyone would choose Tajikistan as a vacation spot. I was lucky.

I traveled with a dynamic Harem of 11. One who quietly kept order, a mother figure who had a knack for interjecting the unexpected sexual remark, a feisty traveler whose rule breaking became endearing, a self proclaimed leader, a quietly promiscuous wanderer, the one who seemed so young and taught me so much...and a few others...There was a Counselor (I know as another man in the Harem I should call him the Unic...but it just does not fit)...he was reserved, rich in spirit...always there with an intelligent, thoughtful addition to a conversation. Then there was the Sultan...fitting...you know how I love a new crush.

So there we were...playing in the waves = fabulous meals with all the bread, honey and tea you could imagine...inventing games = how to manage 4+ hours on a non paved road with no western toilets and then mastering the squat...staying protected from the elements = how to keep dry with a faulty sunroof in a torrential downpour for more than 5 hours...wanting to play with the other kids on the beach = figuring out how to communicate with our new Tajik friends. There was incessant laughing...we shared sunscreen and snacks and it was glorious...then life stepped in...kind of like when you have your back turned to that big wave and you find yourself getting what my kids call a 'washing machine' ...and taught me a big lesson...

Not only did I ignore the undertow...the warning signs posted all along the beach and what not... but for a moment was bewitched by it and went swimming despite the danger...the next thing I knew, there I sat...on the shore...covered in seaweed...gasping for breath...kicking myself for not remembering all times life taught me about the dreaded Undertoad....Remember in The World According to Garp when Garp's son imagines a dark monster lurking under the waters surface? Well, he was right...it is there...watching and waiting.... What's worse is that for a moment I took on the characteristics of that undertow...sucking the safety from the beach with no regard for the other swimmers. Bleh!

I was able to get the majority of the seaweed untangled and the foul taste of saltwater out of my mouth and I managed to swim safely again...never too far from shore and always checking to make sure I had enough life jackets for everyone... and as you can imagine, it was so much more fun.

I have been searching for a reason, an answer as to why I chose to ignore those signs. In retrospect they were bright and flashing "WARNING...Undertow...no life guard on duty". What insecurity did I not keep in check that would allow me to be so irresponsible? I hope I will find an answer.

I chose this trip because I knew come spring I would want a new adventure. I knew I would long for the feeling of absolute joy I get when helping others. What I got was lesson in staying true to myself regardless of how much fun it looks like the other kids are having. Good grief, you'd think at 42 I would have that one down.

I won't soon forget that bitter taste of salt water...how bad it stung in my eyes. I won't forget what it felt like to realize I had endangered another...I won't forget to watch out for the Undertoad...